Some months ago, through the black magic of the internet and the myriad blogospheres in which she features so prominently, Slynnro was presented with a big fat box full of Pert Plus shampoo. As in, five bottles of the stuff (four bottles of the new “For Men” line of products, and one gender neutral bottle). I am totally a man, so said bottles ended up in my shower (also, Slynnro would sooner wash her face with a belt sander than put a glob of neon green Pert Plus for Men in her delicate, finely tuned tresses), lined up neatly along the wall like little green artillery shells. This was all rather pleasing to me, due to the fact that (1) I am a cheap bastard, and love getting free shit that I would otherwise have to spend my hard earned cheddar on (ask Slynnro how long I am willing to go without buying “non-essential items” like toilet paper); (2) I spend inordinate amounts of time in the shower, and so any new items of interest in that space are a welcome diversion (think of it like enriching an animal’s enclosure at the zoo – like when zoo keepers freeze tasty treats inside blocks of ice and give them to bears, etc.); and (3) I have a long-standing L-O-V-E of Pert Plus (as will be discussed in greater detail below).
As I sat down to pen this ode to Pert Plus, I decided I needed some background on my subject matter. So, I turned to Wikipedia, my go to source for all worldly knowledge (Slynnro can also attest to my ability to wax rhapsodic about Wikipedia and its many treasures). This is the sum total of what Wikipedia has to say about Pert Plus (from the Proctor & Gamble Wiki page, sadly listed under “Brands owned by Procter & Gamble in the past, but since divested”):
Pert Plus, introduced in 1987 as the first "2-in-1" shampoo incorporating conditioner in one bottle. It was the market leader in 1992 with a 10.1 percent share. Now in a "declining stage", sold to Innovative Brands, LLC in July 2006. The original Pert was introduced in 1979, but declined to less than 2% before Pert Plus turned it into a 2-in-1 product.
Somewhat disappointing, both for its brevity, and because it reports that Pert Plus is in a “declining stage.” Declining? Not in my shower, that is for fucking sure. Disappointed by Wikipedia, I turned to the official Pert Plus website, which has a lot to say about Pert Plus, and it revolutionary impact on hair. I recommend that all Slynnro’s readers spend a few hours digesting all that the site has to offer. If you don’t have the time for that, I think this (trademarked) phrase sums it up: “Crazy Good Hair, Without the Craziness.” Enough said, right? Color me sold. Personally, I don’t know if I have “crazy good” hair (actually, I know I don’t – although I definitely have “crazy” hair from time to time), but I can say that there isn’t much “craziness” involved in my day to day hair routine, which I suppose could be attributable to Pert Plus. I also note that there is a helpful Q&A section on the website, which provides concise answers to pressing questions like:
Where can I buy Pert Plus?
(Answer: E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E) TRY IT FOR FREE HERE!
Do I need a lot of lather to get clean hair?
(Answer (no joke): “Although lots of rich lather might make shampooing seem more effective and fun, the truth is you can get really clean hair with just a little lather. Scientists will tell you it's the cleansing ingredients in shampoos that actually remove the dirt and oil from your hair, not the lather.”) Lots of lather IS more fun…...
My personal history with Pert Plus is as follows: When I got to college and discovered that, lo, my mother had not stowed away into my duffel bag and thus wasn’t going to be around to do things like magically restock my shower with sweet smelling soaps and shampoos whenever I ran low, I walked to Walgreens. There I stood before the massive wall of shampoos, and was dumbstruck. So many colors, so many sizes. Many seemed vastly too effeminate, with their pastel hues and swirling lines, to safely bring into a freshman dorm bathroom. Others were far too expensive, and promised results that I was frankly not interested in (19 year old men with two inch long hair that is perpetually ravaged by chlorine does not contemplate having “bouncy” or “silky” hair). Just as I began to lose hope, I spied a hulking lime green bottle sitting on the bottom shelf. It held about a quart of shampoo, and it was cheap. The neon green contents had sweet, yet vaguely medicinal smell (it smelled good in the vaguely noxious way that gasoline does). I took it home. I used it, and it seemed to clean my hair. I had a brand of choice. For life.
So, fast forward the better part of a decade, and I find myself in possession of a sampling of the entire spectrum of the Pert Plus line of products. Slynnro requested that I write a review of the various species of Pert Plus, so that she might post it on her blog and all could marvel at how odd and amusing her husband was. I agreed, but as I am wont to do, I wasn’t particularly quick in getting around to it. Still, my typical procrastination did give me time to sample all of the varieties, and consider their respective attributes. And now, without further adieu, my thoughts on the five pillars of Pert that rule my shower:
Pert Plus For Men:3 in 1 Shampoo Plus Conditioner Plus Body Wash. Lots of Plus in this Pert Plus. According to the bottle, this was “formulated especially for men,” which is good, because I am confident no genetic female has ever used it, outside of a correctional institute. In truth, I have used other similar products in the past, with marginal results. The effect was basically that of washing my hair with soap (which, sadly, I have done more than a few times). Even by male standards, it isn’t good: limp, filmy, sickly looking hair. This product was much more effective, as I would expect from Pert Plus. The body wash component worked well (i.e., I didn’t feel like I was scrubbing myself with shampoo, not that I have ever taken to doing that on a regular basis) and had a pleasing manly aroma, and the shampoo/conditioner aspect worked much better than the previous combo products I had tried. My hair was a little flatter than with a “traditional” shampoo, but overall not bad. This product is also a legitimate time-saver (efficiency is a key component of the Pert Plus ethos), as I don’t have to switch between the shampoo and body wash bottles, worry about avoiding getting the body wash in my hair, etc. Grade: (A+)
Pert Plus For Men: Thickening. In short, this product actually works. My hair, which isn’t what I would call “thick” to begin with, seems appreciably “thicker/puffier/bigger” after I use this product. The effect fades fairly quickly, and is certainly not evident at the end of the day, but something is definitely going on. However, I have noticed that using it day after day seems to mitigate its effectiveness. Also, caution must be exercised when using this product in conjunction with a hair-dryer. If I get a little carried away with the dryer, an unfortunate pompadour effect, which takes many minutes and much water to tame, can result. This product has a slightly more medicinal aroma than the others, but still nice and brawny. Grade: (A)
Pert Plus For Men: Deep Cleansing. This is my least favorite of the bunch. It seems to deflate my hair (perhaps because it has cleansed it so very deeply?). Perhaps this product is just intended to be used periodically or something – but as an every day shampoo, I wouldn’t pick it. Sorry Pert Plus, you can’t win them all. Grade: (B-)
Pert Plus For Men: Daily Dandruff. A comment at the outset – I don’t tend to suffer from dandruff. However, I did notice a few flakes on my shoulder one day a few weeks ago, and made a point to employ this product that night and the following day or two. The dandruff was terminated, with extreme prejudice, Pert Plus style. And, my hair looked decent (not as good as on a solid “Thickening” day, but not bad). This product smells a little funky, but so do all dandruff remedies. Grade: (A-)
Pert Plus: Revive and Rejuvenate (With Aloe Vera and Lavender). My my. Pert Plus discovers its softer side. I have to admit, I was skeptical. I have come to lean on the old PP for a lot of things, but being revived and rejuvenated with hints of aloe and lavender isn’t among them. That said, I kept an open mind and slathered it on a few times. A few observations: It smells quite nice, better than the “Just For Men” products, a and leaves my hair feeling very soft and clean. After using it a few times, I read the bottle more carefully and noted that it was intended to treat and protect “color-treated” hair. My hair does not fall into that category, so perhaps my review is irrelevant. Whatever, it made me feel pretty. Grade: (A)
I leave you with a topical anecdote, and then something a bit more serious.
First, this funny Pert Plus related bit:
Older Brother (staying with me over a long weekend, having just used my shower): “You have, um, a lot of shampoo in there.”
Me: “Um, Yeah. I really like hair care products.
This little exchange was made all the more amusing by the assortment of other stuff that lives in my shower (namely a menagerie of rubber ducks, rubber dogs and stick on tropical fish). My bro did not comment upon them.
Now, the serious bit. Slynnro asked me to write this review quite a while ago (as I mentioned above), and like a number of things lately, I let it slide. She wanted me to do this because it would be fun (and hopefully funny) and generally would be a way for me to participate in something that is very important to her (her blog and her readers). I know that, and I appreciate it, but I got busy (ok, very busy) at work, and just never got it done. Generally speaking, being overworked or stressed out or just preoccupied isn’t an excuse – which is something I have to be much more cognizant of. So, Slynnro, this long, strange Pert Plus product review post is dedicated to you (whose heart wouldn’t melt at those words?). I love you with all of my flawed, inscrutable, profoundly frustrating heart. You are without a doubt the best thing to ever happen to me, and the only truly indispensable thing in my life (sorry, Pert Plus). So, I am rededicating myself, here and now, for all the blogosphere to read, to making sure that you know, every day, how very dear you are to me. That is and will be my Numero Uno priority for the rest of my days.
Love,Mr. A
P.S. – Many thanks to whomever it is that sent the Pert Plus. You continue to ensure that I have quick and easy hair that looks great, which is deathly important business.
Edited to Add: Please leave a comment- be patient. I hate haloscan. Don't we want Mr. A to review things all the time?
As I sat down to pen this ode to Pert Plus, I decided I needed some background on my subject matter. So, I turned to Wikipedia, my go to source for all worldly knowledge (Slynnro can also attest to my ability to wax rhapsodic about Wikipedia and its many treasures). This is the sum total of what Wikipedia has to say about Pert Plus (from the Proctor & Gamble Wiki page, sadly listed under “Brands owned by Procter & Gamble in the past, but since divested”):
Pert Plus, introduced in 1987 as the first "2-in-1" shampoo incorporating conditioner in one bottle. It was the market leader in 1992 with a 10.1 percent share. Now in a "declining stage", sold to Innovative Brands, LLC in July 2006. The original Pert was introduced in 1979, but declined to less than 2% before Pert Plus turned it into a 2-in-1 product.
Somewhat disappointing, both for its brevity, and because it reports that Pert Plus is in a “declining stage.” Declining? Not in my shower, that is for fucking sure. Disappointed by Wikipedia, I turned to the official Pert Plus website, which has a lot to say about Pert Plus, and it revolutionary impact on hair. I recommend that all Slynnro’s readers spend a few hours digesting all that the site has to offer. If you don’t have the time for that, I think this (trademarked) phrase sums it up: “Crazy Good Hair, Without the Craziness.” Enough said, right? Color me sold. Personally, I don’t know if I have “crazy good” hair (actually, I know I don’t – although I definitely have “crazy” hair from time to time), but I can say that there isn’t much “craziness” involved in my day to day hair routine, which I suppose could be attributable to Pert Plus. I also note that there is a helpful Q&A section on the website, which provides concise answers to pressing questions like:
Where can I buy Pert Plus?
(Answer: E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E) TRY IT FOR FREE HERE!
Do I need a lot of lather to get clean hair?
(Answer (no joke): “Although lots of rich lather might make shampooing seem more effective and fun, the truth is you can get really clean hair with just a little lather. Scientists will tell you it's the cleansing ingredients in shampoos that actually remove the dirt and oil from your hair, not the lather.”) Lots of lather IS more fun…...
My personal history with Pert Plus is as follows: When I got to college and discovered that, lo, my mother had not stowed away into my duffel bag and thus wasn’t going to be around to do things like magically restock my shower with sweet smelling soaps and shampoos whenever I ran low, I walked to Walgreens. There I stood before the massive wall of shampoos, and was dumbstruck. So many colors, so many sizes. Many seemed vastly too effeminate, with their pastel hues and swirling lines, to safely bring into a freshman dorm bathroom. Others were far too expensive, and promised results that I was frankly not interested in (19 year old men with two inch long hair that is perpetually ravaged by chlorine does not contemplate having “bouncy” or “silky” hair). Just as I began to lose hope, I spied a hulking lime green bottle sitting on the bottom shelf. It held about a quart of shampoo, and it was cheap. The neon green contents had sweet, yet vaguely medicinal smell (it smelled good in the vaguely noxious way that gasoline does). I took it home. I used it, and it seemed to clean my hair. I had a brand of choice. For life.
So, fast forward the better part of a decade, and I find myself in possession of a sampling of the entire spectrum of the Pert Plus line of products. Slynnro requested that I write a review of the various species of Pert Plus, so that she might post it on her blog and all could marvel at how odd and amusing her husband was. I agreed, but as I am wont to do, I wasn’t particularly quick in getting around to it. Still, my typical procrastination did give me time to sample all of the varieties, and consider their respective attributes. And now, without further adieu, my thoughts on the five pillars of Pert that rule my shower:
Pert Plus For Men:3 in 1 Shampoo Plus Conditioner Plus Body Wash. Lots of Plus in this Pert Plus. According to the bottle, this was “formulated especially for men,” which is good, because I am confident no genetic female has ever used it, outside of a correctional institute. In truth, I have used other similar products in the past, with marginal results. The effect was basically that of washing my hair with soap (which, sadly, I have done more than a few times). Even by male standards, it isn’t good: limp, filmy, sickly looking hair. This product was much more effective, as I would expect from Pert Plus. The body wash component worked well (i.e., I didn’t feel like I was scrubbing myself with shampoo, not that I have ever taken to doing that on a regular basis) and had a pleasing manly aroma, and the shampoo/conditioner aspect worked much better than the previous combo products I had tried. My hair was a little flatter than with a “traditional” shampoo, but overall not bad. This product is also a legitimate time-saver (efficiency is a key component of the Pert Plus ethos), as I don’t have to switch between the shampoo and body wash bottles, worry about avoiding getting the body wash in my hair, etc. Grade: (A+)
Pert Plus For Men: Thickening. In short, this product actually works. My hair, which isn’t what I would call “thick” to begin with, seems appreciably “thicker/puffier/bigger” after I use this product. The effect fades fairly quickly, and is certainly not evident at the end of the day, but something is definitely going on. However, I have noticed that using it day after day seems to mitigate its effectiveness. Also, caution must be exercised when using this product in conjunction with a hair-dryer. If I get a little carried away with the dryer, an unfortunate pompadour effect, which takes many minutes and much water to tame, can result. This product has a slightly more medicinal aroma than the others, but still nice and brawny. Grade: (A)
Pert Plus For Men: Deep Cleansing. This is my least favorite of the bunch. It seems to deflate my hair (perhaps because it has cleansed it so very deeply?). Perhaps this product is just intended to be used periodically or something – but as an every day shampoo, I wouldn’t pick it. Sorry Pert Plus, you can’t win them all. Grade: (B-)
Pert Plus For Men: Daily Dandruff. A comment at the outset – I don’t tend to suffer from dandruff. However, I did notice a few flakes on my shoulder one day a few weeks ago, and made a point to employ this product that night and the following day or two. The dandruff was terminated, with extreme prejudice, Pert Plus style. And, my hair looked decent (not as good as on a solid “Thickening” day, but not bad). This product smells a little funky, but so do all dandruff remedies. Grade: (A-)
Pert Plus: Revive and Rejuvenate (With Aloe Vera and Lavender). My my. Pert Plus discovers its softer side. I have to admit, I was skeptical. I have come to lean on the old PP for a lot of things, but being revived and rejuvenated with hints of aloe and lavender isn’t among them. That said, I kept an open mind and slathered it on a few times. A few observations: It smells quite nice, better than the “Just For Men” products, a and leaves my hair feeling very soft and clean. After using it a few times, I read the bottle more carefully and noted that it was intended to treat and protect “color-treated” hair. My hair does not fall into that category, so perhaps my review is irrelevant. Whatever, it made me feel pretty. Grade: (A)
I leave you with a topical anecdote, and then something a bit more serious.
First, this funny Pert Plus related bit:
Older Brother (staying with me over a long weekend, having just used my shower): “You have, um, a lot of shampoo in there.”
Me: “Um, Yeah. I really like hair care products.
This little exchange was made all the more amusing by the assortment of other stuff that lives in my shower (namely a menagerie of rubber ducks, rubber dogs and stick on tropical fish). My bro did not comment upon them.
Now, the serious bit. Slynnro asked me to write this review quite a while ago (as I mentioned above), and like a number of things lately, I let it slide. She wanted me to do this because it would be fun (and hopefully funny) and generally would be a way for me to participate in something that is very important to her (her blog and her readers). I know that, and I appreciate it, but I got busy (ok, very busy) at work, and just never got it done. Generally speaking, being overworked or stressed out or just preoccupied isn’t an excuse – which is something I have to be much more cognizant of. So, Slynnro, this long, strange Pert Plus product review post is dedicated to you (whose heart wouldn’t melt at those words?). I love you with all of my flawed, inscrutable, profoundly frustrating heart. You are without a doubt the best thing to ever happen to me, and the only truly indispensable thing in my life (sorry, Pert Plus). So, I am rededicating myself, here and now, for all the blogosphere to read, to making sure that you know, every day, how very dear you are to me. That is and will be my Numero Uno priority for the rest of my days.
Love,Mr. A
P.S. – Many thanks to whomever it is that sent the Pert Plus. You continue to ensure that I have quick and easy hair that looks great, which is deathly important business.
Edited to Add: Please leave a comment- be patient. I hate haloscan. Don't we want Mr. A to review things all the time?
