Scenes From a Marriage: Ole Waxy Quick Laugh Ed.

Upon returning home from a happy hour at a smokey place.


Me:  You smell....like a steak.

Him:  That's because I'm a prime piece of beef.

Ritz Carlton Grand Cayman: A Review.

Since I announced my vacation plans, and upon my return, I've gotten an onslaught of emails asking me about my experience with both the hotel and the island.  So my vacation in review....

For me, a huge part of my vacation experience is the experience of staying in a fancy hotel.  I sort of revel in all of the little niceties that come along with five star resorts- the excellent service, that the staff all seem to know your name, having doors opened for me, having chocolates on my pillow and twice daily room cleanings.  I'm probably never going to live out my dream of having a maid and butler at my house, so for four or five days out of the year, I fully take advantage of temporarily living in my little fantasy world. Thus, much to the dismay of Ole Waxy, I kind of insist on staying in the best hotel available in the area we are visiting.  This is, no surprise, how settled on the Ritz Carlton.

This is also why we always travel to the Caribbean during hurricane season.  Hotels and flights are considerably cheaper, and we've also grown accustomed to sort of having hotels to ourselves.  No waking up at 6 am to snag a beach chair, no crowds at the restaurants, nobody in the pool, a glorious (seven mile) beach to ourselves.  If you are willing to take the (slight) risk of having to reschedule due to a hurricane, it is SO worth it.  We've used this strategy for the past four years and have yet to have a problem.

We arrived in Grand Cayman on Wednesday and took a taxi to the hotel.  We were immediately greeted by the staff and our bags were taken to our room directly from the taxi, so we did not have to worry about lugging them in with us.  We were checked in right away.  When I made the reservation, I told the hotel that we were celebrating our anniversary while we were there.  Even though our anniversary isn't until October, the trip was our gift for ourselves.  The woman who checked us in told us we had an anniversary surprise from the hotel- which ended up being a HUGE room upgrade.  The resort is divided into two sides- one directly on Seven Mile Beach, and one across the street, called the "resort side."  The sections of the hotel are divided by a walkway, which is actually very nice and decorated with art that is for sale.  We had booked on the resort side to save money, so this was a great surprise to get an ocean view room!  While it was wonderful to have immediate beach access in our upgraded room, it would not have been all that bad to be in the resort side because of how pleasant the walkway is.

But you can't argue with having this view:

The great thing about traveling to Cayman from Dallas is that we arrived on the island at 11:30 am, which meant we were on the beach by 1:00.  The first day, we just spent the afternoon swimming around in the water and having lunch on beach chairs.  The service at Bar Jack, the pool/beach restaurant was excellent, and we had our food delivered directly to us on our chairs in wooden boxes.  I religiously read TripAdvisor reviews prior to booking trips and I noticed that people were making a BIG FREAKING DEAL about the cost of the food.

Okay, people.  You booked a room at the RITZ CARLTON.  What were you expecting?  Also, IT WASN'T THAT PRICEY.  For lunch everyday, I had a salad with chicken, which was around $18.  Mr. A had various burgers and quesadillas, all of which were around $15.  Which yes, is more than you'd pay at your average lunch spot.  But you aren't at your average lunch spot.  You are here:

And a word on the beach chairs you see- everyday when you go out, someone sets them up for you with lovely embroidered chair covers, sun shades and towels.  We walked down the beach to check out some other hotels and I must say, they all left much to be desired in the lounge chair department.  Me no likely the plastic sticky chairs.  And these were the only chairs with the sunshades.  Point:  Ritz Carlton.

In the background you see Hobie cats and see kayaks and various and sundry water sport supplies- they also had snorkels and fins and floats, all of which are free of charge for guests.

On the first night, we engaged in our traditional Ordering of the Room Service.  We were exhausted and didn't feel like getting ready to go out, so we enjoyed a meal in our room in our bathrobes. We always order in our first night and this is by far my favorite vacation tradition.  And the food was excellent.  And no, it wasn't cheap.

I had a tuna steak and jasmine rice.  SO GOOD.  Mr. A had an equally delicious jerk chicken club sandwich.

The next morning we went on a trip to the famous Stingray City via Blue Tip Watersports, which leaves directly from the marina at the hotel.  I cannot possibly recommend Blue Tip enough.  For starters, you get to go out to Stingray City in an awesome CLEAN boat.  There is nothing worse than finding yourself on a dirty catamaran with 60 of your newest friends.  There were SIX of us on the trip.  The maximum they will take is 10, so you aren't packed onto a boat, and you actually get to hear what is going on and speak to the captain.  When we got to Stingray City, you could see all of the other boats CRAMMED with people.  It was CHAOS.  And our charter?  Cost a whopping $10 more than the big crammed boat.  WORTH IT.

We also made a stop at a beautiful little Cay, which was unbelievably picturesque.  It was all very civilized, unlike the mess we saw with the other boats.

The bulk of the rest of our week was spent laying around on our bums having people bring us food and drink, which is all I could have ever dreamed of.  The hotel had these fantastic floating rings you could lay on out in the ocean, which we took full advantage of:

Mr. A also spent a fair amount of time hunting the iguanas that hung out by the pool.  The only other "adventure" I had was a trip to the on site La Prairie Spa, Silver Rain, which was INSANE.  By far the nicest spa I have ever been to (and the most expensive YIKES!).  The facilities were gorgeous, the treatment was fantastic, and at the end I got to slather myself in incredibly expensive La Prairie skin care products.  I spend a lot on lotions and potions, but even I cannot justify a $400 moisturizer.  I got a momentary taste of the extremely good life.  Pricey, but worth it.

We ventured out two nights for dinner.

No tarpon were actually fed during the making of this photo.

On the last night, we ate at Seven, which is the steakhouse at the Ritz.  I wanted to eat at Blue, the Eric Ripert restaurant on property, but it was opening night after the restaurants summer break and we were unfortunately unable to get a reservation.  However, Seven was fantastic.  I informed the hotel prior to my arrival of my gluten allergy, and when I made the reservation for dinner, they made sure to mention that they were aware of the situation.  When my food was served, I was assured that the chef was told of my allergy and that all precautions were taken when my food was cooked.  And no one made me feel like an asshole about it, which is always appreciated.  So are delicious extra treats:

The fabulous Ritz Carlton lobby floral arrangement.

So, all in all, I have nothing but good things to say about the hotel and the island.  If you have any questions about either, or are looking for some vacation advice, please email me.  I love to help with this sort of thing!

Keep Reading. I'll Get to the Part Where I'm Mad at the End.

Back to our regularly scheduled vacation review tomorrow, on to more pressing matters today....

Y'all.  I want like EVERYTHING from Forever 21 right now.  I know, its a little surprising, but like there's good stuff.  And the Wax Man is all "SPEND LESS!"  And I'm all "I DON'T WANNA!"  Except that maybe I do, because good cheap stuff?  Is where it's at!

Yes, I want a fucking winter romper.  SO SHOOT ME.  It's only $14.95.

Basic, but perfect for leggings.  And only $13.80.  Ditto this, which WILL BE MINE.

Super Cute Hoodie Replacement, $24.80

Perfect Pencil Skirt, $17.80.

For only $24.80, I'll be able to afford pants too!

Only $19.80!

and on, and on, and on.

What I don't care, however, is for THIS DAMN MODEL WTF.

GO AWAY.  AND TAKE YOUR FACES WITH YOU.

And now, to handle a matter of IRONY.  In the same post in which I declare my love of cheap ass clothes, I must also declare my love of RITZ CARLTON BRAND SOAP, SUCH AS IT REQUIRES ME TO PREORDER HAND SOAP.

Yes, at long last my search for a hand soap that:

1) removes the makeup that gets on my hands during my morning pre-work application 

and 

2) does not dry the eff out of my hands

HAS ENDED.  I AM ONLY SLIGHTLY ASHAMED THAT IT HAS ENDED IN THE MOST RIDICULOUS FASHION.

But you know who's gonna be really pissed?  Mr. Spend Less.  Sorry love, you can take the girl home from the Ritz Carlton but you can't take it out of her heart.

Grand Cayman, In A Photo.

Old Navy Swimsuit:  $29.99

LOFT Flowy Skirt- $4.99

Blue Tip Charter to Stingray City:  $190.00

Waterproof Camera-  $300.00

Getting a Vacation Picture of Yourself You Finally Love:  PRICELESS.

Low Carb Lite.

If you're playing along at home, you might have noticed a tendency to start things, and uh. . . not finish around here.  I've tracked my spending, I've tracked what I wore, I've tracked what I ate, I came up with all kinds of weekly post ideas and well, I ain't doing any of that stuff right now.

In that same spirit, a while back, I announced my intention to start on a pre-vacation low carb, high exercise diet plan, and promised to share it with you.  And then uh, I didn't.  Why are you all still here?  Maybe you all vowed to quit reading, and not unlike me, never got around to it.  Either way, hey!  Thanks for stickin' around.  

Anyway.  It's not like I plan to fail at all of these things.  I tend to be a bit blogging ambitious and forget that, ya know, I'm a lawyer with a full time job, a husband, and a social life and when push comes to shove, I pick those things over keeping track of what I promised to keep track of.  This tends to be the story of my life for a lot of things.

Mercifully, for me and my bikini collection, I was still doing all of the things I said I was going to tell you about.  I started out attempting a low carb diet and quickly realized two things 1) I get bored with low carb food easily because I am too lazy to really cook and 2) OH DUH, I'm not trying to lose 50 lbs, more like 5 and eating super low carb is probably not necessary.

So, instead, I did these things:

1) Ate less carbs for breakfast.

2) Ate a regular lunch.

3) Eliminated my Bag O'Skittles a Day habit at the vending machine.

4) Ate a low carb dinner- ground chicken or turkey burgers mostly (I don't get sick of them) with some sort of steamed vegetable.

5) Ate a low sugar dessert (i.e. sugar free pudding or fudgsicles) in lieu of my traditional habit of accidentally eating half of a box of Chocolate Chex.

6.  Added veggies to all of my meals, and snacked on carrots and hummus.

To supplement this, I did 35-50 minutes of cardio 5 nights a week- I rotated between the various types of ellipticals at the gym, along with occasional treadmill time.  I coupled this with weight lifting for my arms and legs, being careful not to overdo the exercise and thus avoid the mid-evening snackathon, which was my problem for YEARS without realizing it.  

And lo and behold, I lost some weight- I'd guess about 5 lbs as I do not weigh myself seeing as stepping foot on a scale is 1 step into Total Crazy Town for me.  I lost some fat, and gained some definition in my legs, abs and arms.  My ass is still there, unfortunately.

This is not my attempt at inventing some miracle weight loss program.  If you are overweight, you are probably going to have to do more than this to lose weight.  But it's manageable, and its a start.  And its certainly a great way to drop a few pounds pre-vacation if you've lapsed into some old bad habits like I did this summer.  

So anyway, that's what I've been up to since I announced my grand plans.  While I wish I had been a little stricter with myself, I am very glad that I didn't use my complete inability to stick to low carb eating as an excuse to abandon the whole program and continue eating like crap.  I'm also proud of myself for FINALLY reducing my sugar intake.  I will NOT be going back to my old ways in that regard.  This has been a years long battle for me!

And now, off to back my swimsuits sans apprehension....

HMPH.

All week long, my constant low to mid grade gastrointestinal distress (as in symptoms that occur in my tummy) that has become just a part of my daily life has been under pretty good control.

Best Week Ever Right?

WRONG.

All week long I have had the most horrific case of acid reflux in the history of man.  The kind of reflux where you can literally feel everything you've ever eaten sitting in the back of your throat all day just waiting for an opportunity to come back up.

Unfortunately (and despite the fact that I am one of the lucky people who is not only insured, but is insured through both mine and my husband's job), my insranceS both denied my reflux medication last year.  The medication that I've been on for years, because "You really need to try out the drugstore stuff first bitch."

So the drugstore stuff worked okay until it didn't.

And then yesterday I woke up with the very clear early indicators of a cold, right before my FUCKING VACATION.  

$180 in medication later ($50 of which is for my reflux medication, which would be TWO HUNDRED NINETY DOLLARS without insurance, medication I was only able to afford myself because I have secondary coverage, my medication that was AGAIN denied by the insurance provided by my husband's job at the large, national, prestigious law firm which presumably provides better coverage than is afforded most Americans), I'm feeling somewhat better.  

(How lucky I am to be able to afford that.)

(And you can save your forwards about some jackass racist doctor who thinks everyone who can't afford health care lives on fast food, cigarettes and hip hop ring tones, FACEBOOK.)

Why, Body, Why CAN YOU NOT GIVE ME A DAY WITHOUT SOME SHIT?

So, As It Turns Out, I AM a Melodramatic Asshole.

Looking back on my childhood, and this is gonna sound pretty bad, one of my strongest recollections of my mother is uh, her being bitter.  Bitter about living the small town, population 1200, where I grew up.  Bitter about her lack of friends there, and bitter that my dad worked so many hours leaving her to socially fend for herself for all those years.  The lesson to be learned here:  don't wander down to the country and meet yourself a farmer and decide to marry him, lest you wanna find yourself having a hard time relating to the womenfolk you will soon be living amongst.  

In retrospect, I think we (my father, my sister and I) were probably kind of hard on my mother about this particular issue.  My mother had about as much in common with the women in my hometown as I would have with the women at a meeting of the La Leche League.  And to be honest, the women of a small town are hardly welcoming towards a newcomer in their midst, much less one who came from "the city" and wore clothes from Cache and drove a fancy car and didn't want to spend her Saturday nights out at Shorty's, the local steakhouse (which was still a 20 minute drive away).  In my childhood brain, I just didn't get it.  Despite my mother being an outsider, I was always well accepted and had friends and was a high school cheerleader and yada yada ya.  So I interpreted this as her problem.  And while my mom could have certainly tried harder, she probably would have found herself socializing with people that she didn't ultimately have anything in common with.  Her bitterness was not entirely unjustified.  

My mom did have a local best friend, and I'm sure she had friends in the city an hour away that she lived in before she met my father, and I don't really know what became of them when she moved.  I do recall my mom always in little tiffs with her friend, and seeming to have expectations of people trying to make plans with her, instead of vice versa, and wanting people to come to HER to make plans and not particularly initiating those things on her own.

And while there are several things I wouldn't mind inheriting from my mother- her wrinkle-free skin at age 55, the fact that people didn't realize she was pregnant until she was like 7 months along*, and her ability to continually convince my father to buy her jewelry.  I do not, however, want to inherit this particular set of social issues.  But, I find myself moving towards these tendencies.  I am not, by nature, the plan maker.  In high school, college and law school, I was always happy to go along with my roommates plans, and my best friend's plans, and my law school clique's plans.  But only rarely was I ever the one to come up with the ideas, to plan the outings, to pick the restaurant, to make the dinner reservation.  I don't want the responsibility of making sure other people have a good time, and I also don't want to face the feelings of rejection when people don't want to participate.  In spite of my outgoing personality and my general ability to unaffected by other people, I tend to be fairly sensitive in this regard and interpret people declining invitations to be a far more personally insulting matter than ya know, the fact that they may have had a pre-existing plan or they might just be tired or whatever else.  I over analyze those reactions and make all manner of silly interpretations.  So I don't make the plans so that I don't have to subject myself to this self-imposed ridiculousness.

Well, that's just stupid, isn't it?

So, as a part of my move outside my comfort zone, I'm going to start initiating plans.  Sending the Evites.  Making the reservations.  And taking responsibility for my own happiness and my own social life.  As I told Mr. A this weekend, I am going to be setting up at least one social plan every weekend.  This past Sunday, I invited a friend that I had not seen in a while to lunch.  I texted my second oldest friend in the world, the one with the newborn, and volunteered to visit and bring her lunch this weekend.  I'm going to a party this weekend, and I suggested dinner with friends beforehand (as it turns out, they can't go, and guess what THAT DOES NOT MEAN THEY HATE ME!)  I suggested that Mr. A make plans with a college friend of his who lives here.  Because really, grow up self.  And celebrate that you don't live in a one stoplight town like the person who came before you.

*FOR THE LOVE, this is not me saying I am planning on getting pregnant.  I AM JUST SAYING, if I do.....

Gap Giveaway!

Head on over to the review blog for a chance to win a free pair of jeans from the Gap!

Super Great Awesome Deal!

Loving your suggestions on the last post (so many good ideas- keep 'em coming!) but I just saw these and I had to tell you all about them- they are the PERFECT knockoff of the Nine West booties I posted about the other day (which I'm sure are a knockoff of something far more expensive).  Many of you left compliments about the shoes, so I thought you'd wanna know:

Mossimo Karensa Bootie, $29.99!

No YOU write the post for ME.

Okay, so a while back when I wrote my post about the whole getting out of my comfort zone thing, yeah remember that?  Well, I'm writing this to you from my Comfort Zone.  It's not that I am not still thinking about the concepts I discussed in that post, its just that well, I'm kinda frozen as to what to do about it and where to even begin.  So I've been trying to come up with personal challenges for myself, somewhat in lieu of the radical more drastic changes that are the ultimate goal.  The whole Life List idea has been talked about ad nauseum all over the internet, and I remain fully entrenched in NOT HAVING ONE (unlike my Fancy Hotels I Must Stay At Before I Die list, about which I am still QUITE SERIOUS), I do want to come up with a list of things to challenge myself to do while I'm here just living my every day life.

What I've Come Up with So Far:

1) Color my hair- I have virgin hair, save for some highlights in 2004.  I want to do SOMETHING ANYTHING with the color.  

2) Host a Party- My ULTIMATE FEARS list looks something like this:

I speak in public ALL THE TIME YO (litigation rocks!) so ya know, I've got plenty of room on this list for some atypical shit.  And hosting a party is pretty high up there.  Why?  Cooking, cleaning, showing off my place, NO ONE COMING, people NOT SHOWING UP.  I don't know why this is- I've never hosted a party and had nobody come and contrary to popular belief, I do have real actual friends who could attend.  So I've gotta rectify this.

3)  Um yeah, I got nothin'.  This is where you come in.

I want you, my fabulous readers, to come up with some kind of personal challenge for moi.  Maybe its something you've been wanting to do yourself.  Maybe its something you DID yourself.  Maybe its something you think I will fuck up royally and you wanna watch.  What's it gonna be readers?  I need your help.  I promise to do at least ONE of them, and if there are plenty of comments I'll up the ante.  

Hop to it, and in the mean time, I'll be sitting here hitting refresh hoping everyone doesn't decide to skip commenting on this post like they might do with my party.

In Lieu of Real Content...

I bring you this, Scene From a Marriage:  It Really Is Like A Sitcom Ed.

Me:  Use a coaster.

Him:

Blah.

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't had much to say lately.  No ideas.  No funny stories.  No pointless analysis of things.

Not quite sure what my deal is.  I haven't been reading as much lately, commenting as much, or writing things that might compel people to comment.  I'm just fresh out of ideas.  I guess I'll be back when I have some.

There is no greater way to assure that you will get a blogging idea than to announce some sort of hiatus, so that you will seem like a melodramatic asshole.

Except that I probably fucked that mojo up by talking about it.

So I guess, see you in a few years.

Scenes From a Marriage: It's About That Damn Hippo Again.

Me:  We ARE getting a new tv this weekend for the bedroom (whilst watching an episode of Hung on HBO).

Him:  GarbleGarble Money.... Garble

Me:  What you are going to have to do is sell yourself on Craigslist.  But we are going to have to find you a certain market, a fetish, like feet!

Him:  This new tv situation keeps getting worse.

Me:  I'll make you feel better.  How's about I fix you a MICROWAVE PIZZA?

Him:  (whilst laying on the couch next to Vanessa) I want a Hot Pocket!

Me:  That Hippo can't cook for you like I do.

Him:  Actually, she made me a lovely quiche just the other day.  Vanessa is a classically trained French chef.

The OAF:  (Because yes, sometimes he gets involved in our conversations)  It's true Slynnro!  I ate some and it was delicious!  It was like being in the South of France!

Me:  Just remember who ACTUALLY TOOK YOU to Paris.  (because yes, the OAF has been to Paris)  (and London) (as seen here at Versailles)

Him:  Vanessa takes me to Paris every time she cooks.