It's That Ho Vanessa Again.

Hey, everyone, I'm sure you remember that old ho bag Vanessa, always trying to be stealing my man.

Yeah?  Well, I was looking around on Dooce the other day, as I am wont to do, oh once every few months.  

AND LOOK WHO ELSE HAS HERSELF A VANESSA! (Hint, you can't see her face, but she's in the chair)

Watch out, Heather.  Someone is after Jon.

So anyway, in spite of the title this post is actually NOT about Vanessa.

But it is about consumer goods!  Brilliant segue!  Or not.

Anyway, so ya know, Christmas is coming.  So it's time to shop, which is only slightly depressing in lieu of mine and Waxy's no gift agreement.  But my depression related to this matter shall not stop me from my annual quest to be The Most Thoughtful Gift Giver in a Competition Against No One But Myself.

You see, while some in my family, in laws and parents aside, view holiday shopping as a task to get out of the way and be done, I view it as my Chance to Prove I'm More Thoughtful Than You.  I am not satisfied with merely buying a gift in the right size or whatever, I am ONLY happy when I find that one thing you didn't realize you needed/wanted, but now that I've bought it for you, you realize it was what was missing in your life and OMG ARE YOU NOT SO IMPRESSED WITH SLYNNRO AND HER THOUGHTFULNESS?

Let's put aside that at least 47% of my zeal for this task is about ME ME ME and recognition of how well I know you and your secret wants and needs, and ya know, just be impressed that whatever my motivation, it ends up with you getting a kick ass gift.  

Generally speaking, I spend months before the holiday season plotting, scheming, hunting down the internet and listening to NPR (best secret gift idea source, I SWEAR!) and come December, I'm choc full o'brilliant ideas.  This year, that is not the case, and I'm plum fresh out of good ideas.  This matter is only confounded by the fact that Ole Waxy's birthday is a mere 10 days before Christmas, so I have that to think about too.  I'm totally out of ideas for:

My mom

My dad

My MIL

My FIL

Waxy's grandma

SIGH.

Do you have any good ideas?  I gotta say, the 90 year old grandma, who is still totally hip and with it, is stumping me the most.  What do you even get a 90 year old woman?  

Are you like me?  Are you in a battle against no one to be the most thoughtful?  Or is your gift giving philosophy more along the lines of Git R Done?

GIVEAWAY TIME!

Head over to the review blog and read about my latest skin care love and enter to win one of 4 $100 Visa Gift Cards from Olay and Blogher!

My Big Fat Greedy Christmas List.

As you may recall, earlier this year Mr. A and decided no Xmas gifts to each other.  Which means I won't be getting ANY STUFF FROM WAX MAN AT ALL.  Anyway, lucky for me, we both have very generous parents, so I'm sure I'll still have a pretty merry holiday.  But I usually save Christmas for the few big things I want but am unwilling to buy myself and ask Ole Waxy to purchase.  Here's to 2011! (uh, and no, before you ask, most of this stuff would not make an Xmas list if we were exchanging gifts.  No $2300 watches for this girl.)

Pilates Power Gym.

No, its actually not some freaky-deaky sex contraption.  It's a mini pilates reformer.  My mom, avid HSN and QVC shopper has one of these and I tested it out when I was there for Thanksgiving.  It's kind of awesome.  And after about 2 minutes on it, I had sore calves the next day.  No substitute for cardio, but would be great for strength training/dream abs.

3G iPad.

I hemmed and hawed about wanting one of these (dammit, I could have made this happen for my birthday!), and now I am officially in lust.  WANT.

And hell, while we're dreaming....

David Yurman Topaz Cuff

This one could actually happen, as MIL is an awesome gift giver.  Last year she got me the peridot cuff.  I wouldn't mind if she made that a tradition, as I'd love to have more cuffs.  

Michele Tahitian Cermic Watch

Since ya know, the Chanel J12 I want is about 25 years away, I'll start small here.  A more affordable option would also be acceptable.  

Kate Spade Darla Mary Jane

Valentino Aphrodite Bag

I DIE.

Adam Sequin Dress

And ya know, somewhere to wear the damn thing.

Burberry Double Breasted Tweed Print Wool Coat

Do you think someone will buy it if I can convince them of how timeless it is?  It would go great with this dress.

HP Photosmart Printer

I wanted one since I saw it in action in NYC this summer.

Pottery Barn Arlington Leather Armchair

To fill up that empty space in the corner of the bedroom.

Shit I Be Thankful For.

My Westin Heavenly bed.

My collection of J. Crew Juliet pumps.

Wolford tights.

Finally, after years of looking, finding a solution that to my tum trubs that allows me to live somewhat like a normal human being.  

Beaches and fancy hotels at beaches.  

Bobbi Brown Beach perfume.

Differin.

Damn You Auto Correct.

Finally getting the guts to buy some damn home decor.  (pictures soon!)

Finally getting the guts to put up my damn photo gallery wall.  (pictures soon!)

My Snuggies.

My co-workers, who are way funnier than your co-workers.

A law job that gives me the best stories, lets me go home at a reasonable hour, and feel good about what I'm doing.

My promotion and raise.

A husband that lets me publicly call him Ole Waxy.

Teddy Bears.

My new apartment.

Everyone who reads this site.

Everyone who comments on this site. (Especially you!)

Champagne.

Champagne Thursday.

Google Reader.

Twitter.

The League on FX.

Texting with Metalia about The League on FX.  

That I'm going to see two of my favorite people next month in my favorite city.

Kate Spade.

My iPhone.

Candy for Christmas.

Scene:  Slynnro and Mr. A watching television, a Jared commercial comes on for Le Vian chocolate diamonds.  

Mr.  A:  Chocolate diamonds?

Slynnro:  Yes, chocolate diamonds.  Are you going to get me some of those for Christmas?  (I was about to put a disclaimer here about PLEASE NEVER BUY ME CHOCOLATE DIAMONDS, but uh, some of that stuff is actually kind of pretty.  But some most of it isn't.)

Mr. A:  I am.  But uh....they're going to be chocolate diamonds...made out of you know, actual chocolate.

Slynnro:  Lame.

Mr. A:  But this way, I can get you MUCH BIGGER chocolate diamonds.

Slynnro:  (scowl)

Mr. A:  HOPE DIAMOND SIZED CHOCOLATE DIAMONDS!

Slynnro:  If they're going to be actual chocolate, they better be a hell of a lot bigger than the freaking hope diamond.

Mr. A:  You wouldn't be able to eat all of that?!

Slynnro:  Are you saying I'm fat?  I don't need to be eating all of that?

And now, I mysteriously want a chocolate Tootsie Roll pop.

Varicose Veins and Feticide Beams.

So, every since Kristin sent me a link to the site, I've been obsessed with Damn You Auto Correct.  It's such a brilliant idea, but I can't help but wonder WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THIS?  Regardless, I read it constantly, but in a matter of two days I've already become suspicious of people creating Auto Correct errors, as some of them are so ridiculous, and excessively involving of the words dildos, dick, and penis.  But then my iPhone gives me something like an autocorrect like Feticide Beam and it keeps hope alive.  My iPhone really is that dumb!  (Relatedly, WTF iPhone, FETICIDE?  FETICIDE BY BEAM?  THIS IS HORRIBLE!)

Below is a conversation I had with Metalia the other day that started with a fashion question related to a skirt we both own.  Damn you auto correct, I LOVE YOU.

And yes, I AM in a unilateral fashion contest, meaning that I am the only one of the two of us that knows the fashion contest is on.  It's not important with whom, or even that the competitor know about said contest, it's just important that I will obviously win.

Happy Friday!

Advise You. I Want To.

First of all, let me say thanks for the complimentary things left in the comments of yesterday's post.  Even though none of you were able to correctly identify that One Thing at which I will become a masterful expert at, my success surpassing all those who came before me at that one thing, I will forgive you all because you were so nice.

The running theme of the comments seems to be that I am 1) relatable and 2) capable of giving decent advice.  Which is fabulous because my secret dream is to TOTALLY BECOME AN ADVICE COLUMNIST.  And not even in the manner of former resident Slynnro advice columnist Sassy Kay, but in the manner of one who gives actual good advice.  It melds my two favorite interests- having opinions on things and telling them to people.  But really, I do think I'm pretty good at reading people and their motivations.  I'm helpful, I swear!

And by the way, don't we all think that Sassy Kay needs to make an advice giving come back?  That was the funniest shit ever on this blog, and I feel quite comfortable declaring that, as it was not I who wrote but one Senor A.  PLEASE WAXY!  WRITE MORE ADVICE.

But seriously- an advice column.  Who wants to give me one?

Let's start the advice giving right now with some suggestions of things YOU MUST BUY OMG:

1)  Williams-Sonoma Tuscan White Bean Soup-  

I made this on Sunday for lunches this week, adding some sausage meatballs I made and a can of both garbanzo beans and great northern beans.  Top with some shredded Parmesan and MAGNIFIQUE!

2)  Philosophy Peppermint Bark Shower Gel-

I picked this up this weekend at Sephora, and its all I can do not to drink it up.  It smells so delightful, and every time I step in my shower, it smells wonderful from the remnants of this scent.  And I am definitely going to make the peppermint bark recipe on the bottle.

I'm Not That Great. Or Great At All Really.

I'm not great at anything.

Don't feel bad for me though.  The situation isn't as dire as it sounds.  

Lemme explain.

Lately, and by lately, I really mean for the past year or so, I've been suffering from some sort of undefined angst about my life.  To some degree, I've documented this phenomenon here, with my November Improve Yourself Month, and my Outside of the Box project, and my haircolor (pictures!  one day!) and my tennis lessons and my baking cookies and whatever else.  My life is pretty good, but what troubles me, I've finally figured out, is that I'm not great at anything.

I don't have some thing that everyone says "Oh, hey, you know who you should talk to about that?  Slynnro."

"You know who's great at fixing that?  Slynnro."

"You know who knows a lot about that?  Slynnro."

I have nothing that is my thing.  That thing I'm known for.  That thing I'm great at.

This has been a matter that has plagued me in some form or another my entire life.  And I've done some thinking lately about what exactly it is that is causing this situation, and well, I think I'm on to something.

My entire life, I've always been smart enough to get by at things without having to work too hard.  Not be great at them mind you, but get by.  I'm from the middle of nowhere and went to a teeny tiny school district.  It was pretty easy to be the smart kid there.  In college, I didn't really study or try at anything particularly hard, and I got good grades and didn't study for the LSAT and got into the law school I wanted.  

This is, mind you, not because I am a genius, but because I have a real knack for picking things that I have a decent natural knack for.  I didn't ever choose to challenge myself by trying something that would have been too hard.  Lucky me, the big test to go to the school I wanted to go to, while having nothing to do with a law school education, just happened to me be something I was naturally good at.  In high school, I took Algebra, Algebra II, and some other math crap. I sucked at math.  I didn't try to get better at math.  I just decided not to do anything that had anything to do with math, and take a C in those courses.  That is not anything to be proud of.

Same story in law school, turns out, I am not naturally great at being a law student.  As I've said before here, when I say I didn't study, I mean I really didn't study.  At all.  I ended up right in the middle of my class of 500, and I was fine with it.  When I figured out I wasn't very good at law school, I didn't try to become better at law school, I studied less and skipped more class.  And my grades actually went up.

Lesson not learned.

I've managed to be decently successful at the jobs I've had, as they play to my natural abilities. The natural abilities that allow one to do well in law school do not necessarily translate to being particularly good, or bad, at being a lawyer.  But still, I know I could stand to improve at what I do in little ways.  And given that I love what I do, it should be easier to be better at my job than it is proving to be.

The point of this is not really to toll the virtue of my gift at God-given mediocrity but instead share the one issue that has plagued all of these situations.  I never learned to study, and I never learned how to learn how to get better at things.  My solution is to cut and run when I don't have a natural gift.  If I'm not good at it, I just move on to something else.  And if I am good at it, I haven't learned how to make myself better at it.  And I certainly haven't gotten the hang of being the best at it.

I'm sick of that.  Besides general improvements at work, which is my present focus, I want to find something in my personal life that is my knack.  And I want to use it to help people, not necessarily in a grand way, but a practical one.  I want a project, a focus, and thing to be great at.

I just don't know how to find it.

Conversations with a Higher Being.

Part of this post really happened.  You decide where the embellishment begins.

Scene:  Slynnro is shopping at her local CVS, picking up a few toiletries.

CVS PA:  Hey ladies!  Let's face it.  Those age spots are making you look old.  It's time to update your skin care routine now.

Slynnro:  Hey CVS PA, bite me.

CVS PA:  Hey Slynnro.  Let's face it.  You are obviously premenstrual.  It's time for you to pick up some Midol and cry it out.  And while you're at it, do something about those crow's feet.  You are thirty now.  Head on over to the skin care aisle and pick up some moisturizer for fine lines!

Slynnro:  Hey CVS PA, kiss my ass.  (Picks up a package of Werther's originals).

CVS PA:  Hey Slynnro, let's face it, those PMS cravings are going to make you fat.  Head over to aisle nine and pick up some Dexatrim stat.

Slynnro:  Kiss my LARGE ass, CVS PA. (picks up a copy of Glamour)

CVS PA:  Hey Slynnro, let's face it.  With that attitude, you'll never find a man, even with those tips from Glamour magazine.  Might I direct you to the periodicals section to pick up the latest romance novel, Darkest Deep Desires?

Slynnro:  Screw you, CVS PA.  I'm already effing married.  

CVS PA:  Sounds like you are the kind of girl who's marriage needs a little pick me up.  Why don't you head over to the personal products aisle and pick up some of that creepy ass KY Heating oil crap.  Do real people even buy that kind of stuff?

Slynnro:  Finally, CVS PA, we are on the same page.  Those commercials make me want to slit my wrists.

CVS PA:  Razors are in Aisle Six!

Unbearable Lightness: A Book Recommendation.

Last Monday, I just happened to be at home at 4 pm due to an out-of-control-tum-trubs issue (Aside:  Did you know that I wake up at least once a month in the middle of the night puking for at least 3 or 4 hours and have ever since I started taking my current, largely successful tum trubs care medicine regime?)  (Did you also know that I have a HUGE fear of calling in sick?  Like that someone from work will just randomly show up at my door with a Sick-o-Meter and that I will score too low and get fired for lying?)  (And that also I feel guilty about calling in sick about something that happens like once a month?  Like I should just SUCK IT UP AND DEAL ALREADY? And that I only do it when I really just cannot bear the thought of getting out of bed?  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?)  (I blame my mom, who wasn't always eager to allow us to stay home from school.).

Because I was home really early, I was able to watch Oprah, who was featuring Portia de Rossi talking about her battles with eating disorders.  I don't ever blog about my body image issues really, past or present, but ya know, I'm a girl.  I certainly have had them in the past in a more major way, and continue to have them in a less pervasive form today.  They aren't who I am about, or what I want this space to be about, so I don't ever discuss them save for a passing reference to my bubble butt from time to time.  

That doesn't, however, mean that I don't get it, and watching Portia talk about her past and what she put herself through, well, it was rough.  I've never reached the level of self-loathing and disordered eating that she did, but her speaking about the subject certainly did take me back to a time when I was less confident and less comfortable with who I am and how I look.

I immediately went to Borders and bought her book and read it in about 3 hours.  It's an amazing book, and an incredibly honest portrayal of what it's like to be in that mental and physical place.  If you've ever suffered from and eating disorder, or lived with someone with an eating disorder, you will surely find yourself nodding in agreement with the way she describes both her mindset, and how that mindset caused her to behave.

What I found most interesting about her chat with Oprah, and in the book, was how at the time she was most mentally and physically weak, she was called on to play Nelle Porter on Ally McBeal, a character that was pretty over the top in the confidence department.  Let's just say it gave me a whole lotta respect for her acting chops.  I also think she was kind of living the same contradiction a lot of women are- behaving in an ultra-confident manner at work, meanwhile a big ball of insecurities inside.  It is both comforting and maddening that someone as successful and beautiful as Portia de Rossi struggled with these same issues.

All this to say, I really recommend Unbearable Lightness, whether or not you have dealt with, or are currently dealing with an eating disorder.  

My Poor Pitiful Toes.

Since you all had such interesting input on that last post (really!  Truly enjoyed reading your thoughts!), maybe you'll have some valuable input that will explain to me why I am willing to lay in bed trying to take a nice 20 minute power nap after work, and spend 15 of that 20 minutes wishing I had socks on but refusing to get my lazy ass out of bed to walk the 2 feet to the sock drawer to put on some damn socks?

No?  Nothing?  No good ideas?

I'm an idiot, but thank heavens, fall is HERE!  Bring on the sweater dresses, tights, and uh maybe even the socks.

Since you all had such interesting input on that last post (really!  Truly enjoyed reading your thoughts!), maybe you'll have some valuable input that will explain to me why I am willing to lay in bed trying to take a nice 20 minute power nap after work, and spend 15 of that 20 minutes wishing I had socks on but refusing to get my lazy ass out of bed to walk the 2 feet to the sock drawer to put on some damn socks?

No?  Nothing?  No good ideas?

I'm an idiot, but thank heavens, fall is HERE!  Bring on the sweater dresses, tights, and uh maybe even the socks.