There is an attorney who does not work for my employer, but that I nonetheless recently had to deal with on a daily basis at work due to a certain assignment. This person is a gentleman from the Sierra Leone, and I could honestly listen to him talk for hours about just about anything given my love of his accent and particular cadence. As such, you can imagine my delight when this individual took to calling me "Lady Slynnro" in all of our interactions. Don't let the Diane Von Furstenberg dress and conservative patent leather pumps fool you- this girl? Is no lady. I'm profane, so profane in fact I was recently told I was "foul" by someone else. I'm argumentative, I'm blunt, I'm loud and brash, and well, I'm the opposite of most of these things (although I do shower regularly). Which is why when I spotted this at Brooks Brothers while enduring a marathon tie-buying session with Mr. A, I immediately picked it up:
Obviously, this is a subject matter I am in dire need of learning about. The book is surprisingly funny, written in a rather tongue in cheek manner, which is why I find the reviews of the book online hilarious. People, you are really taking this seriously? Click to enlarge.
This got me to thinking about all the scenarios in my life that come up somewhat often, and typically result in some non-lady like behavior. I, of a rage having persuasion, have all manner of irritations and proclivities that tend to send things a bit....off the rails.
So I decided to write some A Lady Would Say scenarios that are applicable to my daily life.
Ex 1: A certain opposing male counsel says to you, in a room full of peers, "with all due professional respect, you are hot." (yes this happened. and possibly more than once.)
A Lady Does Not Say:
The only thing less interesting to me than whatever argument you are putting forward on behalf of your case is the idea of you thinking about me in any kind of sexual context.
With all due professional respect, I think you're kind of gross.
With all due professional respect, YOU CAN'T AND NEVER WILL TOUCH THIS (Then point at your ass and then break out into some MC Hammer-like dance moves).
A Lady Does Say:
Fuck if I know. I went with all of the above.
Ex 2: You are in the grocery store check out line and someone cuts in front of you.
A Lady Does Not Say:
A sentence with the words "fuck," "bitch" and "motherfucker" as many times as one can possibly interject them.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO GODDAMN IMPORTANT DON'T YOU?
That's fine. While you're being checked out, I will be in the parking lot keying your car. Do let me know when you're done!
A Lady Does Say:
See, this is where I would beg to differ with whatever a lady would say about this, because honestly, if you cut in front of other people in line, you deserve whatever is coming to you.
See previously: The Great Battle of Pei Wei
Ex 3: You are watching your first episode of Mad Men with your friend K.
A Lady Does Not Say:
Holy shit. I would f!@% the s#%* out of Jon Hamm.
GODDAMMIT I NEED CIGARETTE.
Holy shit. I would #$*! the #@$ out of Christina Hendricks. You know, if I were gay. WHICH I AM SO NOT.
A Lady Does Say:
Well, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a lady that wouldn't say Option One. But a more refined one might just go with "That Jon Hamm is quite a handsome man."
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