Today, for some unknown reason, there has been a relentless spamming of my inbox with emails from my law school alma mater asking me to give them money. The program is called "Why I Give" and it, to put it bluntly and shorty, annoys the shit out of me. In the past, when I receive mail solicitations for this program, I have written all manner of snarky messages on the postcards. Obviously, these cards are not getting the job done. Which is why I have started Why I Don't Give. I even created a logo for it!
Creative huh?
So these programs include annoying video testimonials from jackasses that probably got big ass scholarships and therefore feel indebted to the University. I feel indebted to the University as well.
FUCKING LITERALLY.
I am indebted to the University for the next, oh 25 years. Because I owe them a $HITLOAD OF MONIE$. Every month I write them a check that is larger than any check I write for anything else I own. That check is obviously also not enough to send the message I am trying to send.
So what exactly is in these videos?
Sappy bits like "I feel like being a lawyer is very important to the community."
HA JACKASS. Have you ever talked to the community? Cause I do. On the regular. And they? Don't be appreciatin' none of this lawyering you are doing. Especially if it is at Vinson and Elkins, ya know, making the rich richer. The community? Don't give a fuck.
Which brings me to my second point- I, like many of my law school cohorts, DO NOT WORK AT VINSON AND ELKINS. Where the starting salary is $160,000. Yes, my husband may have that kind of job. But guess who writes the damn loan repayment checks? And the checks for all of her monthly expenses. She has two thumbs and a lot of angst. And her name starts with Slynn and ends with Ro.
They also list the law school friendships and relationships you make as a reason to give.
HAHAHAH ORLY?
Have you met law students? They suck. Point. Counterpoint.
Tuition costs are rising. That is, apparently, also why I should give. Well, you know when tuition costs were also high? Five years ago when I graduated! Fancy that. They were also high at the college, which I paid for myself (or rather am still paying for MYDAMNSELF) that I had to graduate from in order to get into your fine institution.
I am also told from these videos that my law school is a door opener everywhere I go. "Oooooh, you went to UT Law School," she says.
Yes, that happens to me a lot. At my government job. It's usually followed with "so you think you're smarter than everyone else huh?" Or my personal fave "I totally got into UT, but I didn't go." Yeah ya did.
This guy says that he knew when he went to UT Law, he knew that his options were open anywhere. And maybe that was true. When he graduated in 1974 and the market wasn't flooded with newly licensed unemployed attorneys. And law schools weren't mere tuition mills like they are today. Ah, the good ole days. That ended before I graduated. Maybe one day if the law school is ever honest about its employment rates, I'll reconsider this position.
Other reasons in short order:
- With my monthly student loan payment I could afford: in a few short years, a down payment on a nice house. The car I really want. To get the Restalyne I want and my husband thinks is unnecessary. Without it, I could afford to sleep at night knowing I'm debt free.
- I got no need based scholarships. My dad was a farmer. My college fund was a bag of jalapeños, yo. WHO NEEDED MORE THAN ME?
- I will never be able to give enough to have a lecture hall named after me (The Slynnro Hall of Awesome), so really, what's the point?
- When I was in law school, Joe Jamail once threw a party for the entire school with only top shelf liquor. That party could have easily paid off my student loan balance. Y U BE SO SELFISH JOE JAMAIL?
- Although Joe Jamail is bad ass:
- I will never be a billionaire.
- I will never tell a man in a deposition "Shut yo' mouth boy."
- I will also never call someone "fat boy" in a deposition." Nor a "dumb son of a bitch." At least not not under my breath.
- So again, what's the point?
- Maybe if I hadn't gone to law school, my parents' response to me utilizing my big vocabulary wouldn't be "You think you're so damn smart, don't you?"
- My law school career services person once told me my dream of becoming the next Stacy London was a really good idea when I didn't have a law job upon graduation. Yeah, that's amazing career advice there.
In sum, this is Why I Don't Give.
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