Suck It, Law School.

Today, for some unknown reason, there has been a relentless spamming of my inbox with emails from my law school alma mater asking me to give them money.  The program is called "Why I Give" and it, to put it bluntly and shorty, annoys the shit out of me.  In the past, when I receive mail solicitations for this program, I have written all manner of snarky messages on the postcards.  Obviously, these cards are not getting the job done.  Which is why I have started Why I Don't Give.  I even created a logo for it!

Creative huh?

So these programs include annoying video testimonials from jackasses that probably got big ass scholarships and therefore feel indebted to the University.  I feel indebted to the University as well.

FUCKING LITERALLY.

I am indebted to the University for the next, oh 25 years.  Because I owe them a $HITLOAD OF MONIE$. Every month I write them a check that is larger than any check I write for anything else I own.  That check is obviously also not enough to send the message I am trying to send.

So what exactly is in these videos?

Sappy bits like "I feel like being a lawyer is very important to the community."

HA JACKASS.  Have you ever talked to the community?  Cause I do.  On the regular.  And they?  Don't be appreciatin' none of this lawyering you are doing.  Especially if it is at Vinson and Elkins, ya know, making the rich richer.  The community?  Don't give a fuck.

Which brings me to my second point- I, like many of my law school cohorts, DO NOT WORK AT VINSON AND ELKINS.  Where the starting salary is $160,000.  Yes, my husband may have that kind of job.  But guess who writes the damn loan repayment checks?  And the checks for all of her monthly expenses.  She has two thumbs and a lot of angst.  And her name starts with Slynn and ends with Ro.

They also list the law school friendships and relationships you make as a reason to give.  

HAHAHAH ORLY?

Have you met law students?  They suck.  Point.  Counterpoint.

Tuition costs are rising. That is, apparently, also why I should give.  Well, you know when tuition costs were also high? Five years ago when I graduated!  Fancy that.  They were also high at the college, which I paid for myself (or rather am still paying for MYDAMNSELF) that I had to graduate from in order to get into your fine institution.

I am also told from these videos that my law school is a door opener everywhere I go.  "Oooooh, you went to UT Law School," she says.

Yes, that happens to me a lot.  At my government job.  It's usually followed with "so you think you're smarter than everyone else huh?" Or my personal fave "I totally got into UT, but I didn't go."  Yeah ya did.

This guy says that he knew when he went to UT Law, he knew that his options were open anywhere.  And maybe that was true.  When he graduated in 1974 and the market wasn't flooded with newly licensed unemployed attorneys.  And law schools weren't mere tuition mills like they are today.  Ah, the good ole days.  That ended before I graduated.  Maybe one day if the law school is ever honest about its employment rates, I'll reconsider this position.

Other reasons in short order:

-  With my monthly student loan payment I could afford:  in a few short years, a down payment on a nice house.  The car I really want.  To get the Restalyne I want and my husband thinks is unnecessary.  Without it, I could afford to sleep at night knowing I'm debt free.

-  I got no need based scholarships.  My dad was a farmer.  My college fund was a bag of jalapeños, yo.  WHO NEEDED MORE THAN ME?

-  I  will never be able to give enough to have a lecture hall named after me (The Slynnro Hall of Awesome), so really, what's the point?

-  When I was in law school, Joe Jamail once threw a party for the entire school with only top shelf liquor.  That party could have easily paid off my student loan balance.  Y U BE SO SELFISH JOE JAMAIL?

-  Although Joe Jamail is bad ass:

-  I will never be a billionaire.  

-  I will never tell a man in a deposition "Shut yo' mouth boy."  

-  I will also never call someone "fat boy" in a deposition."  Nor a "dumb son of a bitch."  At least not not under my breath.

-  So again, what's the point?

-  Maybe if I hadn't gone to law school, my parents' response to me utilizing my big vocabulary wouldn't be "You think you're so damn smart, don't you?"

-  My law school career services person once told me my dream of becoming the next Stacy London was a really good idea when I didn't have a law job upon graduation.  Yeah, that's amazing career advice there.

In sum, this is Why I Don't Give.

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Stages of a Lady's* Hair.

*Yes, I'm hung up on that word.

1.  Haircut.  Bliss.  Angels sing.  I AM SO PRETTY!

2.  Would I like to pre-book my next appointment six weeks out?  I would, but who knows what will be on my schedule then.  I'll just call later.

3.  Ooh, the ends are lookin' a little shaggy.

4.  Okay, time to book that haircut!

5.  (FORGET TO BOOK HAIRCUT)

6.  What was I thinking?  My hair is LONG AND GLORIOUS!  I AM A MODERN DAY RAPUNZEL!

7.  Okay, I really should book that haircut.

8.  (Forgets to book haircut)

9.  OMFG.  MY HAIR LOOKS LIKE SCRAGGLY, RAGGEDY SHIT.  I have GOT TO BOOK THAT HAIRCUT.

10.  Fuck?  No appointments for TWO FUCKING WEEKS.

11.  Ponytails.  Daily.

12.  HAIRCUT! BLISS!  I AM SO PRETTY.

13.  This time I am really going to pre-book that haircut as soon as I check my schedule.

14.  LATHER RINSE REPEAT.

I'm Not Really Sure I Have Any Business Commenting on What A Lady Would Say, But I am Anyway.

There is an attorney who does not work for my employer, but that I nonetheless recently had to deal with on a daily basis at work due to a certain assignment.  This person is a gentleman from the Sierra Leone, and I could honestly listen to him talk for hours about just about anything given my love of his accent and particular cadence. As such, you can imagine my delight when this individual took to calling me "Lady Slynnro" in all of our interactions.  Don't let the Diane Von Furstenberg dress and conservative patent leather pumps fool you- this girl?  Is no lady.  I'm profane, so profane in fact I was recently told I was "foul" by someone else.  I'm argumentative, I'm blunt, I'm loud and brash, and well, I'm the opposite of most of these things (although I do shower regularly).  Which is why when I spotted this at Brooks Brothers while enduring a marathon tie-buying session with Mr. A, I immediately picked it up:

Obviously, this is a subject matter I am in dire need of learning about.  The book is surprisingly funny, written in a rather tongue in cheek manner, which is why I find the reviews of the book online hilarious.  People, you are really taking this seriously?  Click to enlarge.  

This got me to thinking about all the scenarios in my life that come up somewhat often, and typically result in some non-lady like behavior.  I, of a rage having persuasion, have all manner of irritations and proclivities that tend to send things a bit....off the rails.  

So I decided to write some A Lady Would Say scenarios that are applicable to my daily life.

Ex 1:  A certain opposing male counsel says to you, in a room full of peers, "with all due professional respect, you are hot."  (yes this happened.  and possibly more than once.)

A Lady Does Not Say:

 The only thing less interesting to me than whatever argument you are putting forward on behalf of your case is the idea of you thinking about me in any kind of sexual context.

With all due professional respect, I think you're kind of gross.

With all due professional respect, YOU CAN'T AND NEVER WILL TOUCH THIS (Then point at your ass and then break out into some MC Hammer-like dance moves).

A Lady Does Say:

Fuck if I know.  I went with all of the above.

Ex 2:  You are in the grocery store check out line and someone cuts in front of you.

A Lady Does Not Say:

A sentence with the words "fuck," "bitch" and "motherfucker" as many times as one can possibly interject them.

YOU THINK YOU'RE SO GODDAMN IMPORTANT DON'T YOU?

That's fine.  While you're being checked out, I will be in the parking lot keying your car.  Do let me know when you're done!

A Lady Does Say:

See, this is where I would beg to differ with whatever a lady would say about this, because honestly, if you cut in front of other people in line, you deserve whatever is coming to you.

See previously:  The Great Battle of Pei Wei

Ex 3:  You are watching your first episode of Mad Men with your friend K.  

A Lady Does Not Say:

Holy shit.  I would f!@% the s#%* out of Jon Hamm.

GODDAMMIT I NEED  CIGARETTE.

Holy shit.  I would #$*! the #@$ out of Christina Hendricks.  You know, if I were gay.  WHICH I AM SO NOT.

A Lady Does Say:

Well, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a lady that wouldn't say Option One.  But a more refined one might just go with "That Jon Hamm is quite a handsome man."

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Hop Off the Plane at LAX..

with a dream and my cardigan...

Okay not really, although I DO always travel with a cardigan.  

Anyway, I am going to LA!

My fabulous friend Karla read yesterday's post and immediately suggested we take a vacay together.  And going on a vacation with a girlfriend is another thing I've been wanting to do.  (Solo trip is still happening!)

And so it is- we are going the last weekend in April, which just happens to be the same weekend as the Royal wedding.  We already have plans to wake up at 3 am and order room service and wear tiaras.  I could not be more excited about this.

So, give me your best LA recs- hotels, restaurants, bars, must see/must do experiences!

Flying Solo.

In the past, I've made all manner of resolutions about travel and visiting friends and whatnot.  When I do this, I usually go through periods where I make lots of progress on my social goals, only to burn out and do a total anti-social regression.  Right now, I'm in the middle of a major social binge, and am trying to make a sustained effort to make more time to see friends I've periodically neglected over the past few years.  I'd love to say there was a good reason for the fact that I am sometimes a really shitty, forgetful friend.  

But there isn't one.

I have no kids.  I have a job with regular hours.  And I have a husband whose work schedule, for better or worse, allows me a lot of free time to go off on my own pursuits.  And I have the financial freedom to do what I desire, at least in the regard of dinners out and happy hours and that sort of thing.

But still.  I've turned down all manner of invitations for after work drinks, dinners with groups of girlfriends, and failed to make travel arrangements to see that old college friend.  So right now I'm really trying to focus on being the opposite of what I often allow myself to become, but of course, I am a little worried I'm going to find myself all burnt out again.

Which is why I've added a new resolution to list- a solo weekend trip.  

This started with the idea that I was going to make myself take advantage of an American Airlines Net Saver fare.  But the likelihood of that ever working out for Mr. A and myself in the same weekend is really slim to none.  And I've long had a secret wish to go on some sort of trip alone.  So I think it is finally time to make that happen.

Have any of you ever gone on a solo vacation?  How did you plan it?  What did you do?  Where did you go?  Where do you think is the perfect destination for this kind of thing?  My Wander Lust is dying to know.